Bitesized Strategies: Legacy Isn't Your Identity - Separating Your Voice From Theirs

Drawing on my conversation with psychotherapist Karen Dwyer-Tesoriero, this episode explores why so many adults with ADHD carry an inner critic that didn't originate with them. It introduces the concept of "legacy burdens" — negative beliefs inherited through years of criticism, comparison, and misunderstanding — and shares practical strategies to separate your true identity from those old messages and begin replacing them with a kinder, more balanced view of yourself. 

Key Points:

• Why adults with ADHD often internalise negative childhood messages.
•  What psychotherapist Karen Dwyer-Tesoriero calls "legacy burdens." 
•  How criticism from parents, teachers, peers, and society becomes an inner voice. 
•  The connection between inherited beliefs, shame, people-pleasing, and rejection sensitivity. 
•  Recognising when your emotional response belongs to the past rather than the present. 
•  Practical strategies to challenge inherited beliefs: 
•  Why therapies such as Internal Family Systems (IFS) and EMDR can help reframe long-held beliefs. 

KAREN DWYER-TESORIERO S2E44: https://adhdifference.nz/s2e44-adhd-trauma-reclaiming-self-trust-guest-karen-dwyer-tesoriero/

ADHDIFFERENCE: https://adhdifference.nz/legacy-isnt-your-identity/

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Transcript

JULIE: Have you ever caught yourself saying, "I'm just not good enough." and wondered where that belief actually came from? For many adults with ADHD, the harshest voice in our head isn't our own. It's an echo of years of correction, criticism, comparison, or misunderstanding. Maybe you heard, "Why can't you just focus? You're too sensitive. You talk too much. You're lazy. You're too much. At first, those are someone else's words, but over time, they can become your own inner voice. Today's strategy is about creating some distance between who you truly are and what you've been told about yourself.

Welcome to ADHDifference Strategies. I'm Julie Legg, your host, author of The Missing Piece, and an ADHD advocate. Over the years, I've had the privilege of speaking with incredible guests, unpacking real life strategies, mindsets, and tools for navigating ADHD. This bite-sized series brings those insights together, short, practical, and ready to use.

Today's strategy comes from my conversation with psychotherapist Karen Dwyer-Tesoriero. Karen works extensively with ADHD, trauma, and internal family systems therapy. She describes these inherited beliefs as legacy burdens, messages passed on by other people that we begin carrying as though they're part of our identity. Let's hear Karen explain it in her own words. 

KAREN: What happens is these kids with ADHD, and I'm using kids in uh specifically, they internalize negative messages about themselves of they're not good enough, they're stupid, like all these negative messages. In part because of what teachers have told them, in part because of what other classmates have told them and classroom bullies have told them, but in part what their parents have told them of why can't you be like your sibling? Why do you have to be this way? When we internalize those negative messages about ourselves in internal family systems theory, we call them legacy burdens, we carry them with us into adulthood and into our adult relationships of I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable. And then that plays into borderline personality disorder, dissociation. So it really does come full circle in our mental health as adults. 

JULIE: Now Karen reminds us that many of the beliefs we hold about ourselves didn't begin with us. Someone else's frustration, someone else's fear, someone else's misunderstanding can slowly become our own internal narrative. The important thing isn't pretending those experiences never happened. It's recognizing that the message isn't necessarily the truth. Once we can separate our own voice from theirs, we create something incredibly powerful. Choice. 

This strategy is especially useful when you spiral after criticism or rejection. You automatically assume you're the problem. You find yourself constantly people pleasing. You feel shame that's much bigger than the situation deserves. Your inner critic sounds suspiciously like someone from your past. If your emotional reaction feels much older than the current moment, a legacy burden may be showing up. 

When it comes to practicing the strategy, firstly name the thought. Instead of saying I'm not good enough, try saying I'm having the thought that I'm not good enough. And that small change creates distance between you and the belief. Ask whose voice it is. Did this belief come from a parent, a teacher, a partner, society, maybe someone else's expectations? Recognizing the source reminds you that you didn't create every belief you carry. Look for evidence against it. Ask yourself, when have I been capable? When have I been kind? When have I been loved? When have I succeeded despite believing I couldn't? Build a more balanced story using real evidence. Separate yourself from the story. One of the key ideas in internal family systems is that we all have different parts of ourselves. You may have an inner critic. You may have an anxious part. You may have a people-pleasing part. But those parts aren't who you are. You are the person noticing them. Practice believing something kinder. You don't have to leap from self-criticism to complete confidence overnight. Simply begin asking, "What if that old belief isn't a whole story?" Sometimes healing starts with being willing to believe something just a little kinder about yourself. 

Children with ADHD typically receive far more correction, criticism, and negative feedback than their neurotypical peers. Over time, those repeated experiences can become deeply internalized, shaping beliefs about identity rather than behavior. When these beliefs are reinforced for years, they become part of our implicit memory. They feel true even when the evidence says otherwise. Therapies such as internal family systems and EMDR help people create separation between who they are today and the messages they inherited. Making it possible to replace old beliefs with healthier, more accurate ones. In other words, just because a belief feels familiar doesn't mean it belongs to you. 

This strategy reminds us that we're not the stories we inherited. ADHD may explain how your brain is wired. Past experiences may explain why certain beliefs took hold, but neither get to decide who you are today. Someone else's fear, frustration, or misunderstanding doesn't have to become your identity. You can acknowledge those old messages. You can thank them for trying to protect you. And then little by little, you can choose to let them go. 

A big thank you again to Karen Dwyer-Tesoriero for sharing this powerful perspective. If you'd like to hear more from that conversation, head over to the main ADHDifference podcast and listen to season 2, episode 44. Thanks for tuning in. For more practical tools for beautifully different brains, hit the subscribe button.