Bitesized Strategies: The Drama Triangle

Julie Legg explores The Drama Triangle — a powerful framework that helps make sense of our reactions in emotionally charged moments. Originally developed by Stephen Karpman and brought into the ADHD conversation by Bex O’Malley, this tool highlights three common roles we can fall into: Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor.

With ADHD, where emotional responses can feel fast, intense, and hard to shift, these roles can show up quickly and even change mid-conversation. But with awareness comes choice. This episode introduces a simple yet powerful way to step back, identify your role, and gently shift into more supportive, regulated responses.

A practical, compassionate reminder that it’s not about getting it perfect — it’s about noticing the pattern and giving yourself another option.

Key Points from the Episode:

•  The link between emotional dysregulation and overthinking
•  Understanding the three roles of the Drama Triangle 
•  Why awareness is the first step to emotional regulation 
•  The power of asking: “What role am I in right now?”
•  How self-distancing can reduce emotional intensity 
•  Shifting from:  Victim → Self-Advocate, Rescuer → Supportive Ally. Persecutor → Clear Communicator
•  Recognising that these roles come from protection, not failure

Links

BEX O'MALLEY S2E19: https://adhdifference.nz/s2e19-adhd-burnout-thriving-in-corporate-guest-bex-omalley/

ADHDIFFERENCE: https://adhdifference.nz/drama-triangle/

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Transcript

Ever walked away from a conversation and replayed it… over and over? What you said. What they said. What you should have said. Maybe you felt responsible, maybe defensive, maybe completely overwhelmed. And even when the moment’s passed your body hasn’t caught up yet. Many ADHDers will understand this scenario. With our busy minds and overthinking it come with the territory. Today we’re diving deep into The Drama Triangle, what it is and how awareness can help identify what role we’ve assigned ourselves in certain situations. 

Welcome to ADHDifference Strategies. I’m Julie Legg — your host, author of The Missing Piece, and an ADHD advocate. Over the years, I’ve had the privilege of speaking with incredible guests, unpacking real-life strategies, mindsets and tools for navigating for ADHD. This bite sized series brings those insights together — short, practical, and ready to use.

I explored The Drama Triangle with Bex O’Malley on Season 2 of the ADHDifference podcast and it can completely change how you understand how we can react in certain moments.

And before we get into it, I’m going to let Bex explain part of this in her own words.

"The drama triangle check is me seeing like am I in victim right now? Or am I in rescue or am I trying to fix everything for everyone else but not focusing on actually what I need. I was in that one a lot. Or persecutor? Is everything a problem? That initial check in itself is like just a little epiphany because we can be in and out of that quite a lot without realizing it."

The Drama Triangle was originally developed by Stephen Karpman. It describes three roles we tend to fall into when we’re emotionally activated: The Victim. The Rescuer. And the Persecutor. 

The Victim sounds like: “This is happening to me.” “I have no power here.”

The Rescuer: “Let me fix this.” “I’ll take this on.”

And the Persecutor: “This is wrong.” “You’re wrong.” “I need to take control.”

And here’s what’s really important for ADHDers. We don’t just land in one of these roles. We can move between them… quickly. Sometimes in the same conversation. Because ADHD isn’t just about attention. It’s also about emotional regulation. Research shows that emotional dysregulation is a core part of ADHD — meaning emotions can feel more intense, come on faster, and be harder to shift once they’re activated. So when something happens in a conversation… we don’t just think about it. We feel it. Fast. And once that emotional response is activated… it’s much harder to pause, reframe, or step back.

Studies have also shown that adults with ADHD often find it difficult to modify or soothe emotional responses once they’re in motion. Which is why moments can escalate quickly… or linger long after they’ve ended. And this is where the Drama Triangle comes into action. Because it gives you something ADHDers don’t often get in the moment: A way to step back. A way to observe. A way to interrupt the pattern. So instead of trying to stop the reaction completely… you notice it. In the middle of the moment — or even just after — you ask: Which role am I in right now? Am I collapsing into Victim? Trying to fix everything as the Rescuer? Or pushing back as the Persecutor? And this is where the science really supports the strategy. Because research shows that something called self-distancing — the ability to step back and observe your own thoughts or emotional state — can actually reduce emotional intensity. Even something as simple as naming what’s happening… can begin to calm the response. So just asking: “What role am I in right now?” isn’t just insight. It’s regulation.

From there… you have choice. Instead of Victim… you step into Self-Advocate. Instead of Rescuer… you become a Supportive Ally. Instead of Persecutor… you move into Clear Communication

And notice the difference. You’re not shutting down the emotion. You’re redirecting it. And one of the most powerful questions in all of this is: What’s actually mine to hold here? Because ADHDers — especially those who have spent years masking or people-pleasing — often take on too much. Too much responsibility. Too much emotional weight. Too much ownership of other people’s reactions. And when you pause and ask that question… you start to separate what’s yours… from what isn’t. And that alone can reduce overwhelm significantly.

This isn’t about getting it right every time. It’s not about never reacting. It’s about noticing the pattern… just a little earlier. Because even catching yourself once a day… can start to shift how you relate to others. And more importantly… how you relate to yourself. Because what often sits underneath these roles… isn’t failure. It’s protection. Trying to stay safe. Trying to stay connected. Trying to stay in control. The Drama Triangle doesn’t take that away. It just gives you another option.

A big thanks again to Bex O’Malley for sharing this strategy — and for being part of the broader ADHDifference conversation. If you’d like to hear more from that episode, head over to our main series. You’ll be looking for Season 2, Episode 19 to hear more of her ADHD insights.

Links are in the show notes. Thanks for tuning in. For more practical tools for beautifully different brains — hit the subscribe button.