ADHDifference

S2E21: ADHD Self Recognition & Growth + guest Meredith Jones

• Julie Legg • Season 2 • Episode 21

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Julie Legg speaks with radio host, advocate, and mum of two neurodivergent children, Meredith Jones. Through supporting her children, Meredith began recognising familiar patterns in herself, leading to a journey of curiosity and self-awareness around ADHD.

While currently undiagnosed and on the ADHD assessment wait-list, she is on a journey of understanding how her brain works, allowing herself to implement meaningful strategies for emotional regulation, daily structure, and self-compassion. This conversation is a wonderful reminder that you don’t have to wait for an official diagnosis to begin supporting your brain. Sometimes, recognition is the first and most important step.

Key Points in the Episode:

  • Why Meredith started questioning her own neurodivergence 
  • How rejection sensitivity was a major clue in her ADHD discovery journey
  • The emotional weight of being misdiagnosed with depression for years
  • How self-understanding has brought compassion to her past and present self
  • Why validation and curiosity are key before and after diagnosis
  • The role of somatic tools, sensory techniques, and low-pressure routines
  • How she’s building a more supportive world for others through her radio show and podcast

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🌐 WEBSITE: ADHDifference.nz

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📖 BOOK: The Missing Piece: A Woman's Guide to Understanding, Diagnosing and Living with ADHD

ℹ️ DISCLAIMER: This podcast is for informational purposes only. The views expressed are those of the guests and do not necessarily reflect those of the host or ADHDifference. Read More

JULIE: Welcome to Season 2 of ADHDifference. I'm your host, Julie Legg, ADHD advocate, author of The Missing Piece: A Woman's Guide to Understanding, Diagnosing and Living with ADHD, and an unapologetic doer of many things. This season, we're turning up the volume with a global lineup of brilliant guests bringing their lived experiences, insights, research, strategies, and resources. And of course, along with a healthy dose of humor and humility. Whether you're neurodivergent yourself or just curious, there's something here for every curious brain. Let's dive in. Meet Meredith Jones, mum of two neurodivergent children, radio and podcast host and advocate. Meredith is a host of a show for parents and caregivers of disabled and neurodivergent children broadcast on Wellington Access Radio. Alongside that work, Meredith is also navigating her own personal journey. Currently in the process of seeking an ADHD assessment, it's been a long and sometimes challenging wait, but through that process, she's found new ways to understand herself and to approach life with more compassion and curiosity. I'm so looking forward to this conversation. Meredith, welcome to the show. Thank you. [Thanks for having me here.] You are most welcome. You're currently in the process of seeking an ADHD assessment and I know it's been quite a long wait. So, can you take us back to what led you to seek an assessment in the first place? 

MEREDITH: Yeah, sure. The first kind of inkling I got that it's something to look into was when my son was actually assessed for ADHD and turns out that he doesn't have it. But going through the series of questions that I had to answer, I was sort of like, huh, this kind of sounds familiar. And yeah, he does a little bit, but I do as well. And I didn't really think too much of it at the time. I actually just thought, "Oh, maybe we're just similar personalities because we are you know, we're both a bit quirky. He's definitely been described as quirky in the past." So I kind of... it was just sort of information at that stage and curiosity because I didn't really know much about ADHD and I didn't really know much about whether or not it was something, you know, people my age had. Like surely it would have been discovered a long time ago had that been a thing. And then the second kind of thing and I guess the catalyst for me starting to look into it was I read a book called Your Child is Not Broken by Heidi Mavir. And at the time I was reading it as a bit of a... because my son had just been diagnosed with autism. And so it was really kind of surrounding sort of like a I guess a bit of a grief of you know, that sort of thing and processing it all. But what she mentioned in there was her own neurodivergency and her m ADHD. And there was something that she described in there that just leapt off the page and made me think "I think this is actually what's going on for me." And that was the rejection sensitivity disorder which everything she described was just like "That's me down to... like that's what my experience has been since I was small." And so that's kind of when I started to think "Oh maybe there is something else going on here and if so, I think it's worth looking into." And I think you know, looking back I always felt different similar to you and what you said as well. And I remember saying that to my mum so many times as a kid, you know, I feel so different from everyone else. I don't know why, you know. And with the whole rejection sensitivity thing, you know, I had I remember saying to her coming home from school and just saying, "Oh, this person looked at me this way or that person said this or they won't let me play with them or whatever." And she'd say to me, "Don't have your feelings out on stalks." I remember that so clearly was like her phrase that she said. And then she would follow with a load of other witty comebacks and things I could have said in the moment that would have, you know, stuck up for myself. But of course, you know, she wasn't there and I didn't, you know, think of those things. So yeah, just struggling looking back and thinking about that through that lens, thinking, okay, this is actually something that's historical. It's not something that I'm just kind of dealing with now. So that's when I started looking into ADHD because she had mentioned in the book that is something that is often associated quite strongly with people with who had ADHD. Yeah, and from then I just went on the... I googled it as you do, Dr. Google our fave, and I found the ADHD New Zealand website and did the self- assessment tool and scored pretty highly. So that was yeah another clue. 

JULIE: How long has it been from when you first thought of taking that self test for example to where you're currently at now? What's that the duration of that assessment period? And for the listeners based on New Zealand process at the moment. 

MEREDITH: Yeah, sure. I think it's probably been a like a few years since I read that book and then probably after that it was probably another wee while. I don't know I'm guessing time frames of around 6 months to actually doing the test. It was so gradual so it didn't happen all at once this light bulb moment and just you know, it was kind of like an awakening I guess in a way. And so from doing that test then even to going to ask for an assessment it was probably about a year. And that seems crazy to look back and think, "Wow, that took me a whole year," but a lot of that was getting up the courage to go to the doctor and ask for a referral because I had heard from other people, you know, things that had been said to them when they'd gone in to ask for a referral or talked to their GP about maybe having ADHD. Things like, you know, "Well, you know, you're a you're a pretty bright person and you know, you do this and you do that, you know, surely it's you can't have it." And "Oh, everyone's got it these days and you know, it's the new thing to look into," and you know, all of that kind of thing. So, I guess I felt that I was probably potentially going to be dismissed. So, it took me a long time to actually have the courage, and I did that in February this year. I went to ask for a referral to be for assessment. So yeah, took me a while. 

JULIE: The process can be incredibly tough from the time frames as you've said to the financial side of things and then as you said finding the right GP or professional to listen to you. What's your experience been like as so far as even that process when you chatted to the GP? 

MEREDITH: Yeah. Were there any kind of stumbling blocks or moments or self-doubt or fear, comments that you've personally encountered? Yeah. Yeah, I think I definitely think actually probably they've come afterwards, after I initially went to ask for the referral, but the conversation I actually had at the time with the doctor was I don't know, like it went way better than I expected. I didn't really have to... I guess I was prepared to go in there guns blazing fighting for my right to you know, but I didn't have to. He was really understanding. But the funny thing was that we were talking a lot about the pros and cons of getting an assessment and of course the cost around it, and the fact that next year you know GPs going to be able to, we don't know at some level, do something without you know you needing to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist. And so you know, I said well for me the assessment is less about the end result in terms of whether I get access to medication and more about understanding myself and whether this is what's going on for me. And he said, well what's the alternative? And I was like that I'm bat-shit crazy. I mean what else what else is there? So I think it was sort of like I didn't really have to fight and advocate as much as I thought I would. He was very happy to send that referral off and but since then I think you know, I've had conversations with people sort of explaining that I'm you know, waiting for an assessment and I'm pretty sure the more I look into it now that this is what I've accepted might be going on the more sense it makes you know. And you know, there are comments like you know "Oh it's everyone's being diagnosed with it at the moment especially women in their late 40s," you know. And that just kind of invalidates that a little bit, you know, because and then perhaps maybe makes you start sort of doubting yourself that this is what what's going on. Because when you first I don't know about you, but when I first came to the conclusion that this is what I was potentially looking at, it was incredibly validating, you know, and I think I just sort of felt like, oh, this explains so much and this is why. This is why I do this and this is why I struggle with that. And then to kind of hear those kind of comments and thinking, you know, "Oh, it's over-diagnosed," and, you know, things like that, it just kind of makes you start thinking, "Oh, maybe I'm just making it all up." 

JULIE: It's unhelpful for peers to make comment on your own personal journey through that. But good on you. Good on you for owning it, so to speak, and really relating to what you know about it so far, even without a formal diagnosis, you've begun to recognize yourself from that ADHD experience. And how has that level of self-understanding started to change the way you see yourself? 

MEREDITH: Yeah, it's changed a lot. A lot. So, as I said before, extremely validating I think, and made things a lot of things make so much sense. But I think it's also allowed me to cut myself some slack, you know, and because I mean, this is purely my experience, but I feel like it's associated with extreme perfectionism. And you know, things like people pleasing and always wanting to make sure I do the right thing and not wanting to inconvenience anybody. And you know, like just like anytime I kind of speak like even doing this for example, maybe I don't know like a year ago or so would have been absolutely fine while I'm doing it. I'll get off the call and 10 minutes later, I'll feel like this crushing weight come over me like, "Why did you say that? What are people going to think?" You know, "Who do you think you are being qualified to talk about this?" You know, all of those kind of racy kind of like crazy thoughts. And to think that there's actually a reason why that's going on because I've been misdiagnosed with depression since I was young. And I've been put on medication and it never worked. It never... I mean you know maybe it did something but it didn't do what I myself in my own brain and experience needed it to do which was all of the things that you know, the ADHD monster at times can bring up. But it also gave me the opportunity to talk to my younger self and offer her so much compassion for how difficult it was to be in the world as someone who constantly felt so different and so misunderstood and didn't know why. And I love the fact that it's given me that opportunity to just go to her and say, "Hey, it's fine. It's okay, you know. Yes, you used to sit in class and all the way, all the way through school and stare out the window, you know, way more interested and fascinated at this imaginary world that I was creating in my own head than what the teacher was talking about." Which also meant, you know, there were massive gaps in my day and like, you know, get home to do my homework. I'm like, I have no memory of us learning this in class, you know, what on earth was going on? But here I was, you know, so I thought everyone did that, you know. 

JULIE: No, I was just going to just point up on that reflection to your younger self or kind words. I think that's the most amazing part of the empathy that we also have. We can be so mean to ourselves. Yes. But when it comes to talking and encouraging others, it's like talking to a good friend. "No, you'll be you'll be fine. You'll get through this. It was a blip. Or let's go and find some tools to make it work. And you're a good, lovely, kind, wonderful person. And don't judge yourself just because this accident, incident, event, whatever it may be." But often when we look in the mirror, we can be quite harsh. So that's again the beautiful process of acceptance particularly once you do have a diagnosis. But even identifying very strongly with ADHD if that allows that kind of growth, I think that's incredible. I had interrupted you, Meredith. You were going to say something? 

MEREDITH: Oh, no, that's fine. I love that. I love that you pointed that out because it has been a massive, you know, growing kind of and learning space to be in for me. And I'm the sort of person that quite likes learning things and being kind of really like, if something sort of sparks my interest, I'm all in, you know, I'm doing deep dives. And so this has been sort of one that I've done. And also, you know, if you're talking about tools, one thing that's really helped me a lot is therapy. And my amazing therapist has given me tools to help just I guess combat some of those times where you are overthinking or it is overwhelming in your brain, and just being able to know what to do. And one of those things is like somatic exercises. So things like rubbing your hands together, you know, if something feels really overwhelm, I mean, that's the most socially acceptable one to do because just looks like you're warming your hands up. So it's fine, you know. But another one that I love is just this just like rubbing your hands up and down your arms and it just helps me to connect to myself and feel regulated and feel calm to be able to bring about that sense of safety. Because I think for an ADHD brain, well, mine anyway, it has spent so much of my life scanning the world around me for threat, you know, and because it feels, you know, overwhelming at times. Or you feel so different and like I think you described now I can't even remember. I don't have it written down in your book about being that alien, you know, walking around in an unfamiliar place and just thinking, yeah, "Threat. Threat, you know, threat alert." Yeah. So just being able to recognize that for a start, you know, and then be able to bring yourself into a sense of safety so that you're in a place where you can actually start to think rationally about what might be going on for you. 

JULIE: And I think too this is the beauty of therapy when you can speak the same language with your therapist for a start and get to the root of what it's all about. Some of these strategies and tools don't come to us automatically. Sometimes a suggestion or an adaption of how we can use it in our own life is really, really important from someone that knows what they're talking about and can listen to you and validate the whole experience. I was going to ask you about some of your current passions because alongside your own personal journey, you're also the host of That's Good to Know, a podcast that supports parents and caregivers of disabled and neurodivergent children and also host of the Wellington Access Radio. And I'd love to know through those channels, what conversations or themes may have stood out for you so far? 

MEREDITH: Well, it's really interesting because I started the show to start with like as a space for parents to feel like they were less alone and to hear stories from other people who are experiencing similar things and hopefully create a space of like a bit of a community and a space where they would be able to connect if they weren't able to meet up in person. But I think some of the... so that's been kind of like my number one thing is hearing the feedback from other parents that when they've listened to it they've they felt less alone and they've you know, they felt that validation as well which is really wonderful. But one of the stories that I think really resonated with me and has stuck with me is I interviewed a beautiful mum who has a daughter with Down syndrome and she was talking about what it was like when she first found out from the test results that her, there was a chance that her daughter might have Down syndrome. And that they offered her the next kind of level, the next step of testing, which is that one that's a bit more invasive and carries the chance of miscarriage. And she had said she decided that she didn't want to do it. She said something that just struck me so much. She's like, "I realized afterwards that that was my first opportunity or my first chance at advocating for my daughter." And it makes me just really kind of think about, and this is something that comes through a lot in the conversations I have, is how we advocate for our children and how we advocate for ourselves. And I think in this disability world that I found find myself in, there is always you're always having to advocate for your children and always having to, you know, stand up for when things aren't right or when they're not being treated fairly and things like that. And so then just kind of also learning how to advocate for yourself alongside that too. So, that's probably one of the strongest themes that I've picked up on because the struggles are real. You know, they might look slightly different from parent to parent or from different stories, but they're definitely all sort of created by a world that is not necessarily built for kids like mine. Yeah. The other thing that I'm kind of looking at the moment and hoping that it will really help parents is a series around called Things That Can Help. So, I'm just about to kind of start that. I'm just kind of getting all my ducks in a row as it were, especially coming up to Christmas. I have to kind of pre-record a lot of them. But I'm really excited because I've got OT's and speech and language therapists, and you know, different people that are going to come on and talk about what they do, as you know, as a profession, but also hopefully offer parents one or two things that can really help them. Practical things that they can do themselves that can help yeah, just kind of make their journey a little bit easier. 

JULIE: That's exciting and I will get the links from you, Meredith, and I'll put them in the show notes so when this goes to air then our listeners can track you down and have a good old listen. Thank you. That was very exciting. Busy, busy lady. Mhm. We've spoken about a strategy that you've learned through your therapist and that was with regards to that grounding touch. Yeah. While you're navigating life and parenting and the work that you do, are there any other tools or mind shifts that are helping you manage on a day-to-day basis? 

MEREDITH: Yeah, a couple of things that I've done to try and help with the forgetfulness, let's just call it that, or the perhaps maybe difficulty staying on task sometimes, is building some of the things into my routine that I already have and adding like one thing onto it. So, for example, both my kids take medication in the morning. My son's got epilepsy, so he's got a range of different medicines he has to take. And I wanted to start taking vitamin C really regularly, especially through this winter. So I decided that I would tag on taking my vitamin C at the same time that I took gave him his medication because I knew that it was something that I was doing every morning. And so it and that has helped so much. Like I take it now, you know, it didn't happen all, you know, all at once. It took a while for me to actually, you know, cement that as a habit. But just like noticed, oh, that works. I might try that in other ways. One thing that I was always so paranoid about doing was forgetting whether or not I had turned my hair straighteners off. And I'd be like halfway into the city or something and just have this my body would just go cold and I'd be like, "Oh no, I don't know if I turned them off. Did I did I not? You know, what's going to happen? Is my house going to burn down?" You know, like the spiral just very quickly. So what I started to do was when I switched it off at the wall, I'd tap the wall twice after I'd done it. And so that for some reason signal to my brain that you've turned it off and then later on if I'd wondered had I done it, I'd remember tapping the wall. I wouldn't remember whether I'd turn it off, but I'd remember tapping the wall. It's weird. I don't know. It's just some sort of quirky little thing that I've got going on. It works for me. So yeah, I'm just I'm just going to go with that. But I think ultimately staying connected to myself and being like curious about what my body is telling me and honoring my nervous system and noticing when it's slightly off, you know, and thinking, "Oh, why might that be?" And then just sitting for a minute, doing the breath work, and going, "Oh, that's why I said that thing earlier today, and I wished I hadn't said it, or I sent a message that I wish I hadn't sent, and now I'm feeling all sorts of weird." And then just being able to, yeah, just sort of sit with that for a moment and be curious about that and do one or two or three of the grounding techniques that I've got just to bring myself back into a sense of safety. And the other really cool thing that my therapist actually put me on to was a binaural beats meditation playlist. I don't know if you've ever come across anything like this before, but it's something that is designed to be played in your headphones with the... What it does with the beats, it's all to do with the frequency. And so it's playing slightly different frequencies at the same time, one on each ear, and it's kind of creating an illusion for your brain in a way, and it helps to reduce stress and anxiety and also helps with or increases concentration and your ability to focus. Now this is like might sound a bit woo woo and I don't know, I've Googled it a few times and I think the jury's out on whether it's scientifically proven or not, but it works for me. Because when I was studying a while ago, I someone told me about low-fi music and so I would just put low-fi music without any words and very, very few kind of like you know instruments and things like that that could be overwhelming. And I just listen to that while I studied and it shut out the whole world and it helped me to just focus and concentrate. So, yeah, I use this playlist when I'm feeling a little bit overwhelmed, and I play it when I'm walking my dog on the beach in the morning and I just breathe in the sea air listening to these tunes and it just brings a level of calm for me. So, if I've got anything that I'm kind of working through or I know I've got lots of admin for work, I'll put that those beats on and I'll sit down and I'll smash it out. So, yeah. 

JULIE: That sounds brilliant. Absolutely. And Meredith, I will find the science behind it and it will make perfect sense. So it's not woo woo by any stretch of the imagination. If it works, there's a reason for that. That's right. That's what I think. Yeah. Thank you. And finally, Meredith, I just want to ask you some beautiful words to be honest for those who might be in a similar place suspecting that they may have ADHD but still waiting for answers or the official diagnosis. What would you most want them to hear? 

MEREDITH: I think probably give yourself a break to start with, and don't doubt your own experience. So, no matter what other people might say, your experience is your experience. And no one can argue with that really. You know, some people might be able to point you in in different directions in terms of what might help and what may not help, but what's going on for you is real. And I think that you just need to trust yourself. If you and someone said to me one time, if you think you've got ADHD, you probably have, but I don't know, like if you haven't done the self- assessment tool on the website, that's a really good place to start as well and just kind of looking into it and yeah, thinking about some of the things or some of the challenges that you're facing and that there may be a reason for that. And I think if yeah, if you identify with any anything anyone else says, or talk to somebody else that's got ADHD and they describe for you how their brain works or how they think about things or what their experience is like and you identify with any of that, then yeah. I would actually say that that's a very good reason to investigate because that's what happened to me. And I think that sort of time period between me thinking I had it and then going to the GP was I talked to a lot of people and I got those little bits and pieces of information here and there and just went, "Yeah, the more I look into this, the more likely it feels." But I think staying curious is a really good place to be before you get an assessment, before you get a diagnosis. So just being curious about what's going on for you and the things that you're struggling with and I guess sort of like you can make an inventory of all the things that you're good at as well and the things that you think that ADHD may have contributed to the reason why you're good at those things and the reason why you're successful, you know. And then if you think about the things that struggle with and what could possibly help. So I just think that you don't have to wait to start looking into doing, seeing what might help you and forming your own strategies. Because you know by the time if you do get a diagnosis and you're and yes you are, you do have ADHD, you're already well on your way to having strategies and things that that can help. And then I think from there, you know, you can make a far more informed choice about whether medication is something that you want to go with or not at that stage. But yeah, definitely take it easy on yourself. Like we said before, we can be quite mean. 

JULIE: So, thank you. Thank you so much, Meredith. I love that you have already adopted some tools and strategies that are really good for ADHD brains and whether or not you were formally diagnosed with ADHD or not, if those tools and strategies work for you. Yeah. Go for it, you know, and so why, why wouldn't we help ourselves and take on some things that really work for our brain? So, I wish you all the very best whatever your next chapter is and thank you so much for taking the time to chat today. [You're welcome. Thank you.]

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Julie Legg

Host
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Jel Legg

Co-host
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Meredith Jones

Guest