ADHDifference

S2E18: ADHD, Parenting & Harmony in the Home + guest Carol Siege

• Julie Legg • Season 2 • Episode 18

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Julie Legg chats with Carol Siege, certified professional coach, keynote speaker, and mother of four neurodiverse sons. Carol brings practical insight drawn from decades of lived experience navigating ADHD, autism, learning differences, anxiety, and more within her own family.

Carol shares how parenting her “alphabet soup” family led to her passion for supporting other parents through her coaching work. From emotional regulation and sibling dynamics to twice-exceptionality and self-care, this episode is full of real-world strategies for raising neurodiverse children while staying grounded yourself.

Key Points from the Episode

  • What it’s really like to raise four children with overlapping neurodivergent needs
  • Why sibling relationships can be both challenging and transformational in neurodiverse families
  • How understanding your child’s diagnosis changes everything
  • What “twice exceptionality” means and why it often goes unnoticed
  • How Carol helps young adults find their footing beyond school
  • The daily rituals that helped Carol stay grounded through it all
  • What most parents get wrong about supporting neurodivergent kids
  • Why self-care isn’t selfish, it’s essential
  • The one thing Carol believes every neurodivergent child needs to hear

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JULIE: Welcome to Season 2 of ADHDifference. I'm your host, Julie Legg, ADHD advocate, author of The Missing Piece: A Woman's Guide to Understanding, Diagnosing, and Living with ADHD, and an unapologetic doer of many things. This season, we're turning up the volume with a global lineup of brilliant guests bringing their lived experiences, insights, research, strategies, and resources. And of course, along with a healthy dose of humor and humility. Whether you're neurodivergent yourself or just curious, there's something here for every curious brain. Let's dive in. Today, I'm joined by Carol Siege, a certified professional coach, keynote speaker, and mum to four thriving neurodiverse sons. Through her work, Carol helps parents of neurodiverse children navigate their family journeys with greater understanding, compassion, and hope. She brings a real and relatable perspective to what it means to raise children who don't fit the mold. She speaks candidly about the dynamics, lessons, and growth that comes with embracing difference and finding harmony in the home. Welcome to the show, Carol. [Thank you so much, Julie. It's nice to be here.] Wonderful. As a certified professional coach, you're also a speaker and a mum to four neurodiverse sons, and you've described your family as a "veritable alphabet soup of diagnosis", which is a great phrase. Can you tell me more about the dynamics of your household? 

CAROL: Yeah, sure. So, yes, I have four amazing sons who I adore. They are all mostly grown now and they, they're thriving. They hit bumps and snags along the road. And being neurodivergent, sometimes those bumps and snags are a little bit... little bit higher hills to get over, a little bit deeper divots that they have to get themselves out of. But you know, we work through it as a family. We work through it together. And they just... to give you a little bit of background and that alphabet soup that you mentioned. So all four of the boys have been diagnosed with ADHD. Three of them are on the spectrum. Three of them have learning differences. Three of them struggle with anxiety. There's some OCD in there. We've dealt with depression. And one an eating disorder. And one of my sons is diagnosed as 2e. And sometimes people don't know what that stands for. And it means twice exceptional which means it refers to the comorbidity of both a true learning difference as well as being truly gifted, and it's that enormous gap between the two. So yeah, so it's a full plate. But as I said you know, the boys are compassionate and smart and just terrific. 

JULIE: So that's amazing. Amazing. And I imagine it would be a busy and vibrant household particularly when they were younger. 

CAROL: Yes. I like that word vibrant. That's a euphemism. Yes. Very, very much so. And even now when they all get together it is vibrant. Noisy but vibrant. Yes. 

JULIE: You often speak about the importance of supporting each other's differences as a way to create harmony at home. What does that look like in practice given the differences between your boys and the challenges that come across your path on a daily basis? How do you create harmony? What does that look like? 

CAROL: Yeah. So, I'm so glad that you asked about this because I do get a lot of questions and concerns from parents when there isn't harmony in the home, when siblings are at each other, when parents are worried that life isn't fair for one or the other. And it can be really challenging for families. And the way that we have dealt with it is to focus on really good communication. So being open and honest with one another. And also teamwork, teamwork, right? Everybody pulling on the oars together. So in terms of you know, that open and honest communication, it's about making sure that each of the boys has opportunity to vent because sometimes it can be really challenging. And you know, one dealing with the other. Also at the same time that there's that they're given an opportunity to vent there's also it's very important that they have, they're hearing what the other person's experiences. So it's developing empathy. It's developing kindness. And I've found it's most successful when those conversations are, they're separated. So, first there's an individual conversation where one of my sons might feel more comfortable complaining and then coming back and bringing them together so that they can... so that they're learning first of all how to express themselves, how to articulate what they're feeling, which is so important. They're able, you know, you have to learn to hear it. You have to, you know, listen to what somebody else is saying and hear it, take it in, and then also be able to experience the on both ends the compassion and the empathy for one another. 

JULIE: Were they diagnosed as young children? I mean, did you understand what you were dealing with in order to create this harmony? 

CAROL: So, so our story starts with our second oldest son who was four when he was diagnosed with... at the time he was diagnosed with Aspergers. Of course, now they don't call it Aspergers anymore. Now it is part of that very, very wide-ranging autism spectrum disorder. And shortly after he was diagnosed, our oldest, who was six at the time, was diagnosed with ADHD. And fast forward 29 years, as I said, all four of them have had multiple diagnoses. It's not uncommon for there to be comorbidity, of course, between neurodivergent conditions. And no, I had no idea what I was getting into and no idea where things would lead. But I guess you know, that happens in life. None of us knows exactly what's going to happen as we go along. 

JULIE: Did they understand that they had these differences? Did they understand what the label of a diagnosis meant or did you explain that to them or did...? Yeah. How did that work? 

CAROL: Yeah. Yeah. So of course each one of them is unique and so all of these explanations were very different depending on the child and depending on the circumstances. And I often tell this story about my... So they did start taking medicine at a relatively young age you know, six seven years old. That's you know, fairly young but not atypical and I think I called it attention or focus medicine. Sorry I called it focus medicine. I'm going to take your focus medicine and that's really I just left it. They were pretty young, so we didn't talk much more about it. And when my oldest was in about fourth grade, he came running home one afternoon, you know, bounds in through the door. "Mom," he's all excited. "I have ADHD." And I said, "Yes, you do. Let's talk about this. Where is this coming from?" And they had had a lesson in the class that day about differences and differences among people that you can see and differences that are unseen. And as the teacher was ticking off some of the symptoms that you see with some ADHD people. My son was saying, "That's me. That's me. That's me." And the good news is that it wasn't distressing for him. It was empowering and he felt like, "Oh my gosh, this is who I am." And it was he felt validated. And I think you hear that a lot of times with people even when they're diagnosed at older ages, it can be validating like, "Oh, this makes sense. I see." And, because it's the condition of all four of them, and to be perfectly candid, my husband as well. It was just, it's just how our house rolled. So it wasn't unusual for them. I will say that one of my sons who is already a young adult, actually received his autism spectrum disorder diagnosis this year. So just you know, and again for him... so he, so obviously you know he went through most of his life with you know, without having that a part of his identity but he was very familiar with it from his brothers. And in the same way as a young adult hearing the doctor confirm what he already knew in his heart was validating. And his perspective was "Well it took you long enough. I knew it a long time ago." 

JULIE: And isn't it lovely to know yourself and the pieces coming together? That's a wonderful thing. And regardless of the age and maybe the older we get, the more we can understand that and its impact and look for those tools to help us live our best joyful life if we you know, if we can. 

CAROL: Definitely. Yeah. And I think it's also that what's important is understanding oneself but also not getting too hung up on that label. We always talk about that, right? Because what is the... what is the lived experience and what do we each need to understand about ourselves and how we make our way through the world? And especially as I was saying earlier right, it's you know, it's not uncommon for there to be comorbidity, meaning if you have one diagnosis you are also likely to have at least one other diagnosis. And you know, where those lines are I firmly believe is less important than what it means and what you have, what skills you need to learn and where your strengths are as well. 

JULIE: Nicely said. Through Family Pathways Coaching, which is your business, and your speaking work, you've helped many parents find hope and also practical strategies which is awesome. What's exciting you most about your work right now? 

CAROL: So I work with parents of children all ages. So when they're young and you know, maybe elementary age and having those first diagnoses and what does that mean? What does that mean for the child, for the family? To middle school when there's very often learning differences come out, high school and the stresses and anxiety that can sometimes affect teenagers to young adults who are maybe not launching. They're capable of holding a job. They're capable of living independently and yet there are obstacles that are keeping them from living their best lives. What is exciting for me right now is having the opportunity to start working with some of those young adults. I often have parents who have young adults who are not launching say to me, you know, will you work with my child? And my response is always that I actually love working with young adults. There's so much potential there. There's so much promise there. And for them, you know, seeing them find their own voice and they're recognizing their own talents. What's really important though that I always tell the parents is that that young adult needs to be invested themselves. They need to be the ones who really want to do the work and are ready and willing to do the work as opposed to mom or dad who's just you know "Oh my child needs help. Help them." As they, it's in the name, they are adults and so they need to be the ones to be driving the train. 

JULIE: I love that. I love the term 'launching' literally. I think it's a beautiful word and investing in themselves. I agree. That's so important because you're right. If mom and dad said, "Do this, do this," and you're being told what to do. Then you grow up basically waiting to be told and not giving yourself permission or that excitement to go and launch forward. Beautiful word. Yay. 

CAROL: And I just add one other piece is that and this is not unusual to people who are neurodivergent but it can sometimes be more prevalent or more exaggerated in that sometimes you know, mom and dad are pushing in one direction and that young adult is looking to be more independent and more autonomous and so they're going to purposely not want to follow those directives from mom or dad. They want to... they want to make their own way. And so if sometimes that's part of the process that mom and dad need to learn to pull back as well. 

JULIE: You talk of the process of becoming, of learning through the ups and the downs and the curve balls that life throws our way. Is there a mindset or a daily practice or a perspective that's helped you stay grounded and authentic through the challenges of both parenting and coaching? 

CAROL: Yeah. So, I think that is a couple as with everything, right? There's more than one, more than one piece to this. One is compassion and patience, and that goes for compassion and patience toward our children as well as ourselves. We're never going to always get everything right. Our children are never always going to be moving forward, forward, forward. Sometimes there will be steps backwards. That happens. And so, as I said, compassion and patience for the process. And then it's really important to know that in order to have that compassion, in order to have that patience, we have to take care of ourselves. As the caregivers, we need to make sure that we're getting what we need. Some of us are extroverts and so that means that, you know, if you're really busy caring for your children, you need to find time to get out and be with other people because that's what's going to give you energy. And if you're an introvert, you need to find time to pull away and have some quiet time so that you can re-energize yourself. And it's really important not to let those things slide. For me, I'm a person. I need to get fresh air. I need to get sunshine on my face. I need to move myself. That's that re-energizes myself. So, I have always been really intentional, even when the boys were little, if it was a day off from school and the kids were all around the house, we would take a, you know, all of us would, okay, we're all going outside. We're taking a big long walk. Or I, you know, you find time during the day. You know, I would work around, you know, whether it was lunchtime was out for a run or, you know, the baby in the stroller. I, you know, I know what I need to keep myself energized and on an even keel. 

JULIE: Thank you. Compassion and patience. It does take a lot of energy, doesn't it? And as the caregiver or even within a relationship, an adult relationship, being that grounded supporter for the other person or other people in your household, it does take energy and it can be very difficult. But it does happen when one loses oneself. All those special things that make you are kind of pressed down. So, I love the fact that turning attention to yourself and listening to your body and knowing what you need to remain that supportive parent or partner. Yeah, it's great. I would like to ask you, Carol, for parents who are listening and maybe feeling a bit overwhelmed by diagnosis or differences or the emotional weight of it all, having a child diagnosed for example with comorbidities, or just a singular, what would you most want them to hear?

CAROL: This is really, really important. Your children are not broken. There's a lot of research going on now and there are many researchers, scientists, program directors who are talking a lot about the idea that neurodivergence is a regular variance in the human condition. And what that means is that you know, we all bring something to the table of varying degrees and we need to keep in mind that um that everybody has gifts, everybody has talents. If you have a child who has ADHD, there are a lot of things that they can do, really, really well, and it's important to find those, celebrate those, make sure you see them, make sure your child sees them and recognizes them. And at the same time, we need to recognize that there are skills that might need developing, and accepting ourselves, and accepting our children doesn't mean that we don't work on improving skills that are lacking. So if you have a six-year-old child with ADHD who struggles because they're impulsive, they're running around the classroom, maybe they're hitting people as they're running around because they're impulsive. It's the urge. They're happy, they're excited, they're energetic, there's a lot of joy and there's a lot of energy and that's good. And yet that child still needs to learn appropriate behavior around other people. And so it's always about balance and finding the balance between accepting and celebrating the good and working to improve the challenges. 

JULIE: Carol, I would love you to tell me more about the E2 diagnosis. Can you explain more about that, please? 

CAROL: Yes, sure. So 2E stands for twice exceptional and as I think I've noted, it is the discrepancy be in a person who has both a very strong learning difference. So you know, a lot of like a real challenge. In my case, my son has dyslexia that is you know, makes it very difficult for him you know when he was learning to read, a lot of challenges and obviously that's not something that disappears over time. You just learn the skills. And at the same time he is truly gifted and you know, you do the all you know the IQ testing and such and he is you know, really truly, truly gifted. And the challenge in raising a child who is 2e is that on the one hand there's such a strong ability to compensate for what they're lacking and as I said in my case, my son has dyslexia and so a teacher might not see where the struggles are. They also sometimes look at it, look at the child who is otherwise so capable, so articulate and think they're just being lazy. We had a teacher who thought that my son he just needed tough love. And it can be really difficult on the child especially you know, kids with dyslexia or other kinds of learning differences in general. It can be very frustrating because they can understand so much. And so just again I'm going to stick with just this example of dyslexia. Children who have or people who have dyslexia have very, very good abilities in understanding an overarching story. They get the big picture really, really well, but they'll struggle on the details, for example, of a story. And when they're young and they're just learning to read phonologically, they can have a lot of challenges there. And if you just make the assumption that the child is well, they're otherwise capable, they should just be able to do this. That word 'should' is a tough one. It can make a child feel self-conscious and lose confidence and you know, and not understand what's wrong and that can be really difficult for the child. So it's a matter of recognizing and then dealing with the dyslexia not again, not as a failure on the part of the child but rather just you know, it's okay. So, how are we going to teach this child? And how is this child going to be able to learn the skills that he or she needs while at the same time not denigrating them? 

JULIE: Thank you so much for explaining that. [I hope that, I hope that helped make it clear.] Yeah. No, that's wonderful. And I think the compensation is very interesting and you see that a lot with ADHD in childhood or even in adulthood. Looking back retrospectively in the classroom perhaps they're doing exceptionally well academically or most subjects. And therefore the ones that they really are distracted or have no interest in, and perhaps don't put effort in or for whatever reason, it kind of balances out and so that compensation it can be quite confusing in the classroom. And for parents too at home. They're in tears because they're spending so many hours doing homework to be that academic in the classroom. So yeah, it's that whole balance. 

CAROL: I guess there are so many different types of people out there in the world. And key I think in raising our kids and feeling good about how we are raising our kids is accepting them, and recognizing what they do well even if there are things that they also don't do well. It's always about finding you know, what's good there and helping our kids feel good about what they can do. And when they struggle in a particular area, helping them feel good about progress even if it's baby steps. Even if it's baby steps to recognize that our kids are working towards something. 

JULIE: I've really appreciated your time on the show today and sharing your insights and your family experiences with our listeners. So, thank you. 

CAROL: Oh, well, thank you so much for having me. I've really enjoyed the conversation.

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Julie Legg

Host
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Jel Legg

Co-host
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Carol Siege

Guest